Becoming a foster family: From marketing to motherhood

Becoming a foster family: From marketing to motherhood

Una positively vibrates with energy. Having previously run a successful marketing business it’s no surprise to hear her say that she still considers ‘doing more’ in the future, despite currently juggling life with two small children and a teenager. Whilst we carried out our interview, she was simultaneously managing lunch for her thirteen-year-old that she fosters, Louise,* to come home to, whilst periodically entertaining her 8-year-old. Articulate and spirited, Una shared a relaxed conversation about becoming a foster carer:

* We have changed this name to protect privacy.

Hi Una! How long have you been fostering with Blue Sky?

Just over a year. Maybe a year and a half now? Yeah, about a year and a half.

You had a successful marketing career before becoming a full-time foster carer. How has it been adjusting to such a shift in lifestyle?

Yes, I had my own marketing company servicing businesses in the local area. After having my two children – who are now 5 and 8 years old - I naturally began to slowly dissolve it. Quite simply, because I had my hands full! So, the direction of my life quite naturally opened up to change. During that period, my husband and I began having discussions about fostering. It had always been in the back of my mind, and I’d come to a stage in my life where it was possible. It was two years ago that we made that very first phone call and had that first conversation with Blue Sky Fostering - and here we are now!

So, having foster children felt more possible once you became a mother?

 Well, there has always been the opportunity for me to go back to marketing, particularly because of the flexibility of my previous role. But it was a bit more than that: I’m adopted – I’m one of four – and it was always in the back of my mind about how I could potentially help, and my husband was very much on board. Whenever we saw horrific stories on the news about children, it always struck a chord with us. So, we discussed fostering and decided that was the way to go.

It sounds like a decision that came from the heart…

It just felt like we could be doing more. We looked at adoption; we looked at fostering. It felt like with fostering we would be able to help someone sooner, so that was the decider.

It took careful, attentive communication to overcome some of the trickier points.

How was it for your children already living in your home?

We did some respite foster care initially, which our two girls enjoyed because we had young kids here that they got on with. We all had a lovely weekend. That was easy. But when we had a more complex young person, my eldest found it harder because she just didn't understand. It took careful, attentive communication to overcome some of the trickier points. But now we have our thirteen-year-old, Louise, and she’s been with us for almost a year. She's just part of the family - we all don't see it any other way!

You mentioned you still feel you’ll take on some other form of work at some point…

Well, I know! Well, I do like to do things – I’m a doer! But I still don't know what that means for me just yet. We’re all literally just getting started as a family; we're still getting that balance and understanding. It’s important that I’m always present for Louise now, and then of course, available for my other two children too. So, it’s accessing whether – does anything fit into that?! I should think I’ll look at options beyond marketing in the years to come. Marketing is a demanding role and my hat's off to all people who do it, because I know how hard it is. So, the truth is, I don’t know what lies in the future right now – in the immediate, it’s about supporting my family – longer term, we will see!

Has your relationship with your husband changed? I ask because I was speaking to a couple the other day who were worried about fostering as they felt it meant they couldn’t be affectionate with one another or hold hands… (something I assured them - so long as appropriate - it’s fine to do!)

Our relationship hasn't changed. We still do things in the same way we always have. We still have the same open, affectionate and communicative relationship.  And that’s part of it. Treating one another with respect and love shows the children how to respond to each other.  Our children pick up on how we communicate. If we were to fundamentally change who we are because we now have another child in the house, then that wouldn't feel right for us; it wouldn’t feel authentic.

Treating one another with respect and love shows the children how to respond to each other.

Has it felt like extra stress and pressure fostering when you've already got two young children?

Well, it is stressful at times. Having one more person to think about impacts on how we do things and the activities we choose. It’s keeping the dynamic balanced. As Louise has just become a teenager, it can be more difficult to make sure that her needs are met equally when we go on holiday or do whatever activities we're doing. We are careful to make sure she's not left out because our other two are quite a bit younger. And then it’s still balancing it out for our younger children too.

But we’re getting there! It takes time. She hasn't just come out and said, “Oh, I love to do all of these things!”  It’s taken us a year to try and figure out her likes, her dislikes, what she enjoys, what she doesn't enjoy; how much time she likes to be around all of us; when she likes time on her own. It’s just figuring out what she needs, what our kids need, what we need, and trying to find a balance between all those things.

Has Louise changed much in the last year?

Oh yes, she’s very much come out of her shell more; she’s communicating more. She’s steady; she's getting there.

Can you remember when you first met?

Yes, it was half-term. She came down for a weekend. I remember we were all a bit nervous because we were all a bit ‘Ooo!!’, but we had a lovely weekend. We just spent time together and tried to get to know each other a little bit. We had lunch out here on the patio with her aunt and just chatted. We started to get to know each other. We’ve taken it day by day. That’s my philosophy: every day is a new day, so just try to figure it out as you go along.

Does Louise have much of a relationship with her birth family?

Some members she sees every other month, and closer members she sees every month. And if there are special family occasions then of course we arrange for her to go to those too. We try to keep it as fluid and as normal as possible.

There have been points where I’ve felt really nervous in the middle of it all, but you learn it's just part of the process.

How’s the experience been as part of Blue Sky Fostering?

The support has been amazing from start to finish; from that very first conversation to right the way through. There have been points where I’ve felt really nervous in the middle of it all, but you learn it's just part of the process.  Blue Sky has been really there for us; everybody's been very supportive, answered all the questions, and put our minds at rest when we needed it.

Have there been challenges along the way?

Well yes, there's been times… but you know, they're children!  So, in that respect, I don't see our experience as any way out of the norm and that's what we're here for. That’s the whole point.

Do you think you have changed during your fostering experience?

Have I changed? I think – no! Well, I guess you could say I'm now more aware of the need for more foster carers in the system. I've become more aware of the problems that people can be faced with. I guess in that respect, it has changed me; it’s raised my awareness of what needs to be done, what can be done, and what you sometimes wish could be done, but hasn't been done! You know, we're not going to fix a broken system in a day, but we need to try and do something.

What would you say to anyone considering fostering?

Do it - if you can. You know, at the end of the day, these are just children. There can be challenges. But I firmly believe that if they feel safe and secure, you'll be able to overcome those challenges quite quickly.

Don’t try and figure it all out at the start. Just trust the process; you’ll go into it with your initial thoughts and once you're guided through how everything is, you'll get to various points within the process that will either affirm whether you still want to move forward, or you'll get the opportunity to question your motivations, the requirements to be a foster carer, and then decide whether it is really for you or if you think you can do it.

We went into it without really knowing what lay ahead, but we just said, ‘Well, this is the process - we just went with it and supported it as much as we could.

What was the Form F like?

It is intense. I mean, they get into every nook and cranny. It’s like an episode of the TV programme, ‘This is Your Life’! You know, where they bring out all of these people from your past?! It's one long document like that: this is your life, with all the good and bad. But then, we have nothing to hide. They do ask you some very in-depth questions, but it's there for a reason. It's there to make sure that you are who you say you are and that your story checks out. It’s to ensure that the children will actually be with people who are safe. So yes, it’s intense. But I completely understand why it is the way it is.

What do your children feel now about having an older girl in the house?

Well, you know it’s funny: She went to visit her mum for a couple of weeks recently, and of course, we all could feel she wasn’t in the house. There was a void there, and the kids were like, ‘Where’s she gone? When will she be back?’ They would definitely miss her now if she wasn't there.

It’s been a slow process but Louise is spending more and more time down here with us, doing the things that we love to do – but all in its own good time. You know, we're not in any rush. Recently the social worker was here and asked if Louise could stay with us on a more long-term basis. And we said, ‘Absolutely!’. We expect her to be here until she’s an adult, and even then, we’re not expecting to say goodbye any time soon.

That’s just how it is.

What has the experience of having your young person with you given you?

Well, it makes me feel proud and happy to see her thriving – and I believe my husband feels the same. We now know we are doing something positive. We're doing the thing that we set out to do. Watching her grow and change and develop into a young lady is already bringing us joy because we can see her smile, her happiness and her progress. Just watching her story evolve makes us happy.