Being a Respite - or "Mini-Holiday" - Foster Carer

What made you go from nursing to fostering?

In 2010, I was deployed to Haiti after the earthquake. I was meant to be there for two weeks and ended up staying for nearly three years. Haiti is the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere. I felt very privileged to be there. I helped set up the very first spinal cord injury unit in the country. The nurses and patients called me Mama Noo, which means ‘our mother’. Because I was like that, constantly.

I've got a very strange CV: I also did a lot of disaster response work in Nepal after the earthquake. I met a lot of very vulnerable people who all at once had nothing. Suddenly, they and their family were grieving the loss of their health and ability to do things. In a way, there are similar parallels with young people in care: they are cast into a situation out of their control. Though a lot of it may feel normal, their version of normality can be quite distorted.

They and their family were grieving the loss of their health and ability to do things. In a way, there are similar parallels with young people in care: they are cast into a situation out of their control.

I still do some nursing now; I’ve had lots of different cultural experiences seeing trauma and tragedy, but I felt I still had more to give. I considered fostering a few times, but then didn't do anything about it - because when is the right time? Then came across Blue Sky on the Internet and saw ‘Ofsted Outstanding’. I thought ‘that sounds good!’, so decided to give them a call.

Blue Sky Beginnings

The thing I would say about Blue Sky is that they weren’t pushy. I rang up and spoke to the lovely Marcus [Marcus is Blue Sky’s New Carer Engagement Manager]. I rang and I said, ‘Look, I'm old, I'm on my own and I don't have any children. And he said, ‘That’s okay!’ And I said, ‘Really?!’

I told him a bit about myself and as it was the pandemic, a member of the Blue Sky team did a virtual visit. I was in a flat then. It was quite small. We had a communal garden but no one went in it. But that doesn’t matter of course – plenty of families live in small flats! I still had a room to offer young people their own space. The important thing was that I was able to provide a nurturing, calm, kind place.

Assessment

Part of being and becoming a foster carer is that you have to go through an assessment to assess your suitability. It is every single skeleton that you had and didn't know you had! You unpick everything; it's extraordinary. I don't know how many boxes of tissues I went through! But you know, in a way it was just the most incredible opportunity to reflect on your life and why you are who you are. Some people hate going through assessment, but for me, I think it’s nothing compared to what those youngsters have been through and why they've come into care.

Assessment is the most incredible opportunity to reflect on your life and why you are who you are. 

You have to be able to be open, honest and transparent to be able to carry out the job of a foster carer, and the same is true of assessment.

Respite Care… Or Mini-Holiday?

I don’t like the word ‘respite’ because being a nurse, respite sort of means palliative care. It needs to be more of a positive word because it’s a positive experience! When a young person comes to stay with me, instead we try and build it up as a mini holiday, so it's something exciting. You get to have an adventure (or whatever wordage is going to be a great positive thing for the young person.)

Respite / Mini-Holiday: Activities

So yes, I do the happy mini-holidays! And sometimes, very adventurous mini holidays. Sometimes very energetic.

One young person loves to go for walks, to collect kindling. Going out and playing, going down to the river; we'll go to the beach or just exploring… what other mini-adventures? I had one person who wanted to knit. Another young person wanted to learn how to cook Japanese food, so we made sushi, sashimi and miso soup. We draw, paint, clay-work, go shopping, to the cinema, or we go to the local theatre and go and see, you know, family things.

We draw, paint, clay-work, go shopping, to the cinema, or we go to the local theatre and go and see, you know, family things.

For the person who was here last weekend, I couldn't do that because of how social the theatre would be. He would be overwhelmed. Whereas another young person that I see loves it. So, it's just being mindful of what one young person may like, another one won't.

When I was younger, we would be out from sunrise to sunset. Nowadays people are on their phones, their iPads, and their Nintendo Switch…. The future will always be computers, but you’ve got to have a balance.

Respite / Mini-Holiday: Thinking Food

I've got these little lists of what each young person who comes to stay, what they like to eat and what they don't like. Some young people like onions, some don't, but some like chicken. Some just have water, others like anything fizzy. [Although too much fizzy is not a good idea!]. Some young people don't like certain textures. It's trying to be as mindful as possible. I can't put myself entirely in their shoes because I've never been in foster care myself, but I can just imagine how awful it must be when different people keep asking you, what you like to eat, and what you like to drink. So, I try and find out before they come as I don't want to put them under any pressure, that they're not going to like what I'm cooking for them. Because I don't want them to become anxious because they just can't eat it for whatever reason. There's lots to think about really, but it's great fun. I love it.

I can just imagine how awful it must be when different people keep asking you, what you like to eat, and what you like to drink. So, I try and find out before they come.

A Positive Break

I was recently introduced to a young person by their main foster carer and his son. His foster carer said, ‘Oh, we're going to go and pop in to see Fi, just for a cup of tea, okay? So, we all had a cup of tea and jam doughnuts, and everyone met Bella and Magic. He was fine and smiling. And when he said goodbye, he kissed Magic Mittens and Bella to say goodbye and wished me a good rest of my day, which was so lovely!

Afterwards, the main foster carer was very gentle and softly suggested, ‘Would you be able to visit again, or perhaps in the future do you think that you would be able to go and stay with Fi? And he said yes. And so, he came over last weekend.

As he has social anxiety, he wasn't comfortable around a lot of people. So, I needed to be very mindful as to what he could manage and cope with. But he came with a little pink and white worm toy for Magic Mittens, and played with her and Bella all weekend long.

We had a lovely weekend and I dropped him off on Sunday. And when I said goodbye, he came up and he flung his arms around me, and you know, it was just so lovely. Really, really lovely.

His main foster carer is so pleased. Since then, we've shared messages. The young person said he’d love to come back. He loved Bella and Magic Mittens. I have to say, I have said to my supervising social worker that Miss Bella Cinderella needs to be on the Blue Sky payroll because she's the most amazing therapeutic dog!

It’s a real positive outcome for all because we all liked having him here.

As a solo foster care is there anything else important you think we should know?

DBS Checked - The Importance of a Network

When you're a foster carer, it’s important to have a safe, supportive network around you, particularly when you're a solo carer like I am. And it’s equally important to consider safeguarding, to ensure that young people remain safe in our care.

All the people in our supportive network need to be DBS-checked. So for example, my two sisters who come over a lot – both of whom are paediatric nurses – have been DBS-checked. And then Susie, my friend who I was out walking with this morning, has been DBS checked, so that if something happened… for example, the other day I stupidly broke a tooth, and I had a young person staying with me for the week. I was able to pick up the phone with my sister and say, ‘Hey, Sarah, would you be able to come and stay with this young person whilst I go to the dentist?’

So, I knew – and also Blue Sky Fostering would know - that I’d left this young person
with someone who was safe and had a security check.

Do you have to do that for just a friend popping around for a cup of tea?

Not exactly, but with the young people, you have to be mindful of who is going to pop around. And perhaps because I have several different young people come over, I need to be particularly mindful of their different needs.

When you have a young person in your care, you're supporting someone. They are the centre of your attention. So, you must be young person-centred.